Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
