remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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