This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
