i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
