were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
