I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
