I skipped work to stalk him.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
