I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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