Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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