i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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