i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
