It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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