My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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