I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
