I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
