Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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