Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
