I wish I could teleport
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
