I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
