My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
