I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
someone owes me an orgasm
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize