come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
