i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
