Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
