Don't you send me to vm
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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