we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
