i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
