Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
