What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I puked a lego.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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