She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
