haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
