Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
