you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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