they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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