PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
