update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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