WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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