We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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