when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
