i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
