it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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