hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
