Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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