I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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