He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
