If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize