Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
