I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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