so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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