1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
