Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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