pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
