Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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