You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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