on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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