never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize