It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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