he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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