She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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