If that was your dad, he is hot
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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